Dear friends, if you are seeking happiness or wholesomeness or a window into my mystical path, you may want to skip today's entry and wait for tomorrow's grand finale in Santiago where I hope to find all of the above. Today it is a darker side of the Camino that begs to be revealed.
It was one of those days on the trail. We've been at this for 28 days now - four weeks. That's 24/7 with each other all of the time. It was about halfway into today's hike that we had our Disney moment. I don't mean that magical moment where the whole family is smiling with eyes wide open and matching outfits in the classic picture with Mickey and Minnie. No, I mean that Disney moment where you are in the "happiest place on earth," and you are having a massive family meltdown. After spending 30 minutes at an outdoor cafe stop watching my boys antagonize each other incessantly, one poked the other in the eye with a piece of straw. Tears ensued. I told both boys that I did not want to walk with either of them. I needed them to go in front of me or behind me, but that I was sick of them and needed a break. It was a very special Camino family moment. Foster responded by attaching himself to my side and claiming that I couldn't "make him not walk with me." I told him he was ruining "my" Camino on the second to last day. It is all about me, after all. He insinuated that I was being a drama queen. Whatever. I decided the only reasonable tactic was to put in my music and to turbo charge my walking pace and leave the offending offspring in the dust. I can only imagine that as I sped by pilgrims left and right, muttering under my breath, they were all wondering what had happened to that "nice Vermont family." A few kilometers later, we regrouped. There was no mention of the drama, but I think we had all decided to move on and not ruin "my" Camino.
Obviously I need some enlightenment. I am hoping today was the day for purging the negativity, so that tomorrow can be a glorious new beginning. So, in that vain, it is also time to purge my sarcastic, snarky, shallow pilgrim attitude. For the record, I have worked very hard to preach tolerance, kindness and gratitude for the last four weeks. I have kept my sarcasm at bay and have tried to walk the talk. However, in the name of a good soul cleansing, it was necessary to compile a list of the darker elements of our Camino adventure. If I record them here, perhaps I will be freed of their bonds and more open to tomorrow's good karma. If not, then let them simply serve as a record of the reality. Lest you who know me best think I am drinking the "Camino Koolaid," enjoy the real Jennifer before her transformation.
Lessons Learned on the Camino (and hostile hostel thoughts)
1. If you sound like you are going to hack up a lung, take one for the team and stay in a private hotel room.
2. If you carry a purse on the Camino - expect to be ridiculed - even if it's one of those cute little backpack purses. You're not fooling anyone.
3. If you have a hairdryer on the Camino, you are not a pilgrim (But I would like to borrow it if you are willing to share. I would also sacrifice a limb for a dollop of your hair conditioner).
4. If you have rented a mule and a man-servant to carry your things while you walk the Camino, do not wear high-heels. You will be judged by hundreds who are suffering from intense blisters and who would give anything for a different pair of practical shoes.
5. If you have intense blisters, do not display them to fellow pilgrims at a restaurant. Although we sympathize with your pain, we do not want to see its source in all of its disgusting detail. Your feet are repulsive. Every pilgrim's feet are repulsive. Please do not share.
6. Large groups on the Camino can be annoying to those seeking solitude. Large groups of teenagers in a hostel can be annoying to those seeking sleep. However, large groups of teenage boys overdosing on the European equivalent of Axe body spray can be lethal. I will take trail stench any day over teenage stench.
7. No matter how good your booty looks, we don't want to see booty shorts on the trail. Although my teenage son may disagree, we are not all teenage boys. Thank God (see #6).
8. Similarly, ladies, at 5:00 in the morning, when the sun has yet to rise, I do not want to be greeted by the sight of you standing in the bathroom in your thong. I don't care how thong-worthy you think you are. I do not want to see that before I've had my coffee.
9. And, men, just because you stealthily slip into your sleeping bag after the lights are out, don't think that the rest of us want to see your junk on display at 1:00 a.m when you are thrashing about. Pajamas were invented for a reason. Use them.
10. I outgrew communal showers in middle school. Cold, communal showers on the Camino should be outlawed. Given the choice between privacy and personal hygiene, I may just choose privacy. If most pilgrims share my view, that makes for a very smelly 130 bed hostal. I will pass and repass most of these pilgrims an average of 77 times during this trek. Each time I will be required to meet their eyes and wish them a "Buen Camino." If I have been permanently scarred by the vision of them bending over to retrieve a bar of soap in the shower, forcing me to relive that moment over and over again each time I meet them on the trail is cruel and unusual punishment. Charge me an extra Euro, invest in shower curtains, and save me the psychological damage.
Pray for my soul. Buen Camino.
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